Recently I was presented a choice. My youth pastor approached me about going on the missions trip to Jamaica with the youth group this summer. One thing about me is that I love going places, so it wasn’t a matter if I wanted to go it was a matter of it I could go.
The missions trip was in July right over the time that some people from my work are away doing a festival and two weeks before the festival that our office runs. I told my youth pastor that I would talk it over with my boss, but I didn’t have high expectations.
I also prayed minimally about it. My prayer was basically this, “Lord, if you want me to go, just let Fread (my boss) say it’s OK.” To me, this was the only thing standing in the way of me going.
So, I sent an email to Fred and Chris about the trip to see if there was any possible way that I could go. A couple days later Fred called me into his office. He asked me about the trip and what type of ministry I would be doing. His response to me was:
“Ashlea, my first concern is that it’s over Creation West, and Chris will be gone so no one would be able to do your job. Secondly, and something I’m not overtly concerned about is that it’s two weeks from Purple Door. However, if you feel like you’re supposed to go, I want you to feel like you can go.”
Alright, so this wasn’t the answer I was expecting/wanting. You see, I prayed for an opened or closed door. This was a half open door, that put the decision back on me. Not what I really wanted because I hate making decisions and having to really discern something.
During this time, I wrote a few things out to the Lord…
What to do when You let me choose
You trust me more than I do
You trust in my ability to discern more than I do
You invite me to try
Yes, this truly is the God that I serve. One that invites me on the journey and has more faith in me that I ever will. You see, I always fear missing it, or messing up. But I’m learning more and more that God is way less concerned about me getting it right, then he is about me trying.
I was back to square one and trying to hear the Lord’s voice in all of this. But, I really did feel like he was letting me choose. Now it was less of a question if I wanted to go, and more of a question of was I supposed to go. Of course I wanted to go, but I didn’t feel confidant that I was supposed to go. So, I turned the offer down.
I walked away from this situation grateful to serve a God who roots for me and won’t give up on me and also extremely blessed to work at a place where they give room for me to hear God’s voice and make decisions based on His calling rather than their convenience.